My life is in shambles

I hate titles to blogs for the record, but that was the best I could do. Crapstick and I are at an utter standstill in our marriage and I can’t take it anymore. Last night I realized that Sir’s eating issues began when banana was born and that they have progressively been getting worse as she requires more active attention. I broke down to crapstick and was telling him that I don’t feel as bonded to banana as I do to Sir and I oftentimes resent that I had the two of them so close together. I hate myself for getting angry at banana for just being here and get angry at Sir for being upset with her trying to get attention. I feel like a horrible human being who cannot love two people equally. I am obviously a horrid mother who can’t get over the fact that I chose to have my children so close together. I also harbor resentment towards crapstick because he told me if I wanted more children I would have to do it last year or I would get one less child. I was crying and telling crapstick all of this and he had no response for about ten minutes and then responded with why do you blame me for everything? You fucking piece of shit I am trying to explain that I don’t feel like I’m being a good mom and I don’t know what to do. I am trying to scream out that I am depressed and need help to not dislike my children. I am screaming for someone to catch me while I’m falling, but obviously I am just blaming you and we should argue about that for the rest of the night. From that great springboard came the classic you don’t like my son argument that gets us nowhere. I was up arguing with this stupid person until 1am and now I’m at work until 4pm.

This morning the argument continued and I basically told him that I am fucking done talking to him about anything important to me. I told him that it hurts me to talk to you and I can’t do it anymore. He responded with a list of things he needs from me and continues to tell me my needs will be met when his needs are met. Fine crapstick just shut the fuck up. I have just decided that I will not talk with him about anything more than superficial stuff because he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about my emotions anyways. I will try to keep him list of things he wants from me if for no other reason than to say I tried and nothing works. I really never wanted to get divorced but I can’t see divorce being any more isolating than this marriage. Any suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Quick Sir update: the chiropractor said that Sir’s spine was out of alignment to the right, but she seemed too quacky for me (especially because she kept repeating that chiropractic medicine is not quacky) so we will not being going back to her. We may go to another chiropractor in the future but for now I’m going to stick to the feeding team (hopefully being scheduled soon) and purchasing a sticker reward chart to encourage him to eat. I am also going to increase my alone time with both of the kids so they each have some time with mommy and hopefully this will help.

Quick banana update: She took four legitimate steps yesterday and then realized she was walking so she promptly fell down. She is getting to be quite the little character and definitely has a mind all of her own.